"On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you." And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit...Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe. Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:11-29
"Faith in antagonism to common sense is fanaticism, and common sense in antagonism to faith is rationalism. The life of faith brings the two into a right relation. Common sense is not faith, and faith is not common sense; they stand in the relation of the natural and the spiritual; of impulse and inspiration. Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it a revelation sense and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. "We know that all things work together for good," then no matter what happens, the alchemy of God's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality. Faith always works on the personal line, the whole purpose of God being to see that the ideal faith is made real in His children. For every detail of the common-sense life, there is a revelation fact of God whereby we can prove in practical experience what we believe God to be. Faith is a tremendously active principal which always puts Jesus Christ-Lord, Thou hast said so and so, it looks mad, but I am going to venture on Thy Word. To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real...Faith is the whole man rightly related to God by the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ." From My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers
I have been struggling with common sense and the spiritual since my last chemotherapy more than usual. As I look at the area where there is still cancer in the dermis of my skin, I want to SEE that this chemo is working. This recurrence of cancer has been difficult to diagnose with normal diagnostic tests and blood work. It has been "not easily seen" and more spread out. Leaving questions to be answered about what will follow this chemo when it is completed in December. I am like Thomas, "Unless I see...I will never believe". It strikes me that this lesson is so very important that the resurrected Jesus wants to drive home with Thomas. He has been raised from the dead and returns to finish His earthly ministry and leave His disciples prepared for the task of finishing their part of God's salvation plan, first for the Jews and then for the Gentiles. Before the first week has ended, he comes back to the disciples specifically to meet with Thomas and address his unbelief. How lovingly he brings Thomas back into focus and helps him to realize that the bigger blessing comes from this truth: "Believing is Seeing". Common sense turns that around and makes it the commonly heard phrase: "Seeing is Believing".
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible...And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."
Hebrews 20:11:1-3, 6
At my last visit my cancer antigen markers went up from 14.5-19.1. It was 19.0 today. Dr. Go was not too concerned at the jump. Sometimes during chemo as the cancer cells are killed in large numbers, it can cause this number to spike. So we will continue to watch it over the new few weeks. I've had cold sore type places in my mouth and nose and will begin to take an antiviral medicine to help with this. This week my hemoglobin and white blood cell counts were both low. So I will be having a Neulasta shot on Friday with fluids to boost my white blood cell count. Last time I had it after all 6 rounds of chemo. This time I haven't needed it until now and will have it after each of my last 2 rounds, as well. It artificially stimulates bones in your body (mostly sternum and hip) to produce more white blood cells. This is painful, sort of like the pain of a spinal tap or epidural, especially when I lean over. I also have been noticing a mass or lump above the former tumor site, around the 4th rib under my left shoulder. Dr. Go has ordered an MRI for tomorrow night at 8:30. Hopefully we will have the results before Tuesday when Joe and I are going for my check-up with Dr. Rippon (surgeon).
It is so encouraging to me when so many of you tell me you are praying for me so much! It is times "in the valley" like I've had this week that the thought of all the intercession helps me to "rise on wings of faith".
I'd like to end with some excerpts from some of my favorite songs over the past few weeks.
"Still, my soul, be still, and do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow. God is at your side; no longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow.
Still, my soul be still, do not be moved by lesser lights and fleeting shadows. Hold on to His ways, with shield of faith against temptations flaming arrows.
Still, my soul, be still, do not forsake the truth you learned in the beginning. Wait upon the Lord, and hope will rise as stars appear when days are dimming."
God you are my God. And I will trust in you and not be shaken. Lord of Peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in You alone."
"One with the Father, Ancient of Days; through the Spirit who clothes faith with certainty. Honor and blessing, glory and praise to the King crowned with power and authority. And we are raised with Him.
Death is dead! Love has won! Christ has conquered!
And we will reign with Him; for He lives Christ is risen from the dead!"
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
"Restore me to health and make me live!"
October 8, 2011
"A writing, Hezekiah, King of Judah, after he has been sick and had recovered from his sickness:
I said, in the middle of my days I must depart;...I said, I shall not see the LORD, the LORD in the land of the living; I shall look on man no more among the inhabitants of the world...Like a weaver I have rolled up my life; he cuts me off from the loom; from day to night you bring me to an end; I calmed myself until morning; like a lion he breaks all my bones, from day to night you bring me to an end. Like a swallow...I chirp; I moan like a dove, my eyes are weary with looking upward. O LORD, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety! What shall I say? For He has spoken to me, and He Himself has done it. I walk slowly all my years because of the bitterness of my soul. O LORD, by these things men live, and in all these is the life of the spirit. Oh, restore me to health and make me live! Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back. For Sheol does not thank you; death does not praise you. Those who go down to the pit do not hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day...The Lord will save me." Excerpts from Isaiah 38:9-20
I have found much comfort from this passage this week as often I have thought, "from day to night you bring me to an end". I find comfort in being able to relate to Hezekiah's description of his illness and I find hope in his final words after he is healed, "The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day"!
Some of you have asked specifically how you could pray for me as I go through this 21 day cycle for 4 more rounds of chemo. So I thought I'd share what a typical cycle is like for me.
Day 1 and 2 of chemo, I feel relatively good because the premeds and other medications counteract the chemo and help with side effects. Days 3-10 are the most difficult. I have many side effects in my respiratory and digestive systems as the linings of these organs are raw from irritation. The chemo kills the top layer of skin cells and at least one underneath. This makes the tissues vulnerable, like an open wound, until my body goes through its natural cell regeneration cycle and is able to make new cells to protect it. Nausea, dehydration, and a chemical taste are always present. I cannot drink coffee because the linings of my mouth and throat are sensitive to hot food and drinks and the smell makes me nauseated. I have flu-like muscle and bone pain, heaviness in my limbs, and experience extreme fatigue and shortness of breath from the anemia. I have a higher risk of infection during this time. My fingers and toes are numb and some days the bottoms of my feet hurt. Sometimes one side effect will get better only to be replaced by another and sometimes, I have 3 or 4 hitting me all at once. It is a time of "doing the next thing" and pressing forward because I know that is what will get me to better days. I really feel the sustaining power of your prayer during these days.
Days 11-16 I feel better and I can eat better. I still have aches and exhaustion but I am able to go without naps when I get home from school. I can finally drink coffee again!! It is a time of catching up on things at work and at home. My memory always plagues me! Ironically, I don't remember being forgetful last time during chemo! I'm thankful for grace and patience from those around me as I struggle with this "chemo-brain".
Days 17-21 are when my "nesting instinct" kicks in and I stay busy trying to get everything lined up at school for my absences and at home because I know I will be feeling poorly.
This week I specifically ask for prayer in the following ways:
Infection-I am on an antibiotic for an upper respiratory infection. I have been and still am running a low grade fever. Pray that this antibiotic will boost my body’s response to this infection and I will be ready for my next chemo as scheduled.
Parent Conferences-20 in 4 days this week!!
Monday-P.T.A. Math and Science Night at school
Thursday-Joe, Joey, and I will be traveling to Columbia for a campus tour of U.S.C. and the Honors College. I have been looking forward to this for a long time and I covet your prayers for my strength. It involves a 2 hour walking tour!
On the lighter side, I have been wanted to give you a glimpse into my first 12 days back to school. So here it is: "The 12 Days Back to School" (to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas")
It's the 12th day back to school and what do I see?
12 exhausted parents! (We went on a field trip to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch. The first field trip always gives my parents an appreciation for my assistant and me and what we accomplish every day with 20 four year olds!)
11 cries for "Teacher"! (I do have a name! I don't call you "Student"!)
10 "Sad Notes" home! (For reasons such as talking incessantly at the wrong times, using our hands and feet to solve our problems instead of our words, not keeping our "5 Things" together: eyes on the teacher, ears open, mouth closed, hands on our laps, criss-cross applesauce, etc.)
9 runny noses (Praise God for Germ-X!)
8 kids on "green" lights! ("Green" lights are good! Halleluiah!)
7 shoes to tie! (Daily! Sometimes all the same shoe! I have one word for my parents-Velcro!)
6 days of rain! (NO RECESS!!)
5 calls to parents (Not for celebrating!)
4 parent conferences (Again-not for celebrating!)
3 toilet accidents (Sometimes all in one day!)
2 bumps on the head (Requiring ice and attention from Nurse Penny!)
And (ironically)...1 teacher who's glad to be back at school!
"A writing, Hezekiah, King of Judah, after he has been sick and had recovered from his sickness:
I said, in the middle of my days I must depart;...I said, I shall not see the LORD, the LORD in the land of the living; I shall look on man no more among the inhabitants of the world...Like a weaver I have rolled up my life; he cuts me off from the loom; from day to night you bring me to an end; I calmed myself until morning; like a lion he breaks all my bones, from day to night you bring me to an end. Like a swallow...I chirp; I moan like a dove, my eyes are weary with looking upward. O LORD, I am oppressed; be my pledge of safety! What shall I say? For He has spoken to me, and He Himself has done it. I walk slowly all my years because of the bitterness of my soul. O LORD, by these things men live, and in all these is the life of the spirit. Oh, restore me to health and make me live! Behold, it was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love you have delivered my life from the pit of destruction, for you have cast all my sins behind your back. For Sheol does not thank you; death does not praise you. Those who go down to the pit do not hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day...The Lord will save me." Excerpts from Isaiah 38:9-20
I have found much comfort from this passage this week as often I have thought, "from day to night you bring me to an end". I find comfort in being able to relate to Hezekiah's description of his illness and I find hope in his final words after he is healed, "The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day"!
Some of you have asked specifically how you could pray for me as I go through this 21 day cycle for 4 more rounds of chemo. So I thought I'd share what a typical cycle is like for me.
Day 1 and 2 of chemo, I feel relatively good because the premeds and other medications counteract the chemo and help with side effects. Days 3-10 are the most difficult. I have many side effects in my respiratory and digestive systems as the linings of these organs are raw from irritation. The chemo kills the top layer of skin cells and at least one underneath. This makes the tissues vulnerable, like an open wound, until my body goes through its natural cell regeneration cycle and is able to make new cells to protect it. Nausea, dehydration, and a chemical taste are always present. I cannot drink coffee because the linings of my mouth and throat are sensitive to hot food and drinks and the smell makes me nauseated. I have flu-like muscle and bone pain, heaviness in my limbs, and experience extreme fatigue and shortness of breath from the anemia. I have a higher risk of infection during this time. My fingers and toes are numb and some days the bottoms of my feet hurt. Sometimes one side effect will get better only to be replaced by another and sometimes, I have 3 or 4 hitting me all at once. It is a time of "doing the next thing" and pressing forward because I know that is what will get me to better days. I really feel the sustaining power of your prayer during these days.
Days 11-16 I feel better and I can eat better. I still have aches and exhaustion but I am able to go without naps when I get home from school. I can finally drink coffee again!! It is a time of catching up on things at work and at home. My memory always plagues me! Ironically, I don't remember being forgetful last time during chemo! I'm thankful for grace and patience from those around me as I struggle with this "chemo-brain".
Days 17-21 are when my "nesting instinct" kicks in and I stay busy trying to get everything lined up at school for my absences and at home because I know I will be feeling poorly.
This week I specifically ask for prayer in the following ways:
Infection-I am on an antibiotic for an upper respiratory infection. I have been and still am running a low grade fever. Pray that this antibiotic will boost my body’s response to this infection and I will be ready for my next chemo as scheduled.
Parent Conferences-20 in 4 days this week!!
Monday-P.T.A. Math and Science Night at school
Thursday-Joe, Joey, and I will be traveling to Columbia for a campus tour of U.S.C. and the Honors College. I have been looking forward to this for a long time and I covet your prayers for my strength. It involves a 2 hour walking tour!
On the lighter side, I have been wanted to give you a glimpse into my first 12 days back to school. So here it is: "The 12 Days Back to School" (to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas")
It's the 12th day back to school and what do I see?
12 exhausted parents! (We went on a field trip to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch. The first field trip always gives my parents an appreciation for my assistant and me and what we accomplish every day with 20 four year olds!)
11 cries for "Teacher"! (I do have a name! I don't call you "Student"!)
10 "Sad Notes" home! (For reasons such as talking incessantly at the wrong times, using our hands and feet to solve our problems instead of our words, not keeping our "5 Things" together: eyes on the teacher, ears open, mouth closed, hands on our laps, criss-cross applesauce, etc.)
9 runny noses (Praise God for Germ-X!)
8 kids on "green" lights! ("Green" lights are good! Halleluiah!)
7 shoes to tie! (Daily! Sometimes all the same shoe! I have one word for my parents-Velcro!)
6 days of rain! (NO RECESS!!)
5 calls to parents (Not for celebrating!)
4 parent conferences (Again-not for celebrating!)
3 toilet accidents (Sometimes all in one day!)
2 bumps on the head (Requiring ice and attention from Nurse Penny!)
And (ironically)...1 teacher who's glad to be back at school!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Blessed Beyond Measure
“Give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:38
Our family has been blessed beyond measure from the generosity, prayers, hospitality, and support of all our friends, family, and co-workers. Our blessings are truly "pressed down, shaken together" and "running over". We continue to receive wonderful home-cooked meals or restaurant gift cards, numerous cards of encouragement and prayers for our family, and financial blessings. Just going to work every day is uplifting as I continually have so many smiling co-workers with words of encouragement. Many people say they don't see how I am able to work. I always answer that I don't see how I would make it without working. Those 7 hours keep me grounded and occupied and offer many opportunities to give praise to the Lord for all of his many blessings.
"Every day I will bless You, and I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; and His greatness in unsearchable." Psalm 145:2-3
"Almighty God, You have promised, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deut. 33:25). I praise You that You know what is ahead of me today and will provide me with exactly what I need each hour and in each circumstance. I relax in the knowledge that You neither will be surprised by what evolves, not incapable of sustaining me in any eventualities.
Thank You, in advance, for giving me the strength I'll need for this day. Therefore, I will resist the temptation to be anxious or worry over whether I will have what it takes. Instead, I will receive what You have offered: wisdom for my decisions, love for my relationships, hope for my discouraging experiences, replenishing energy for my tired times, and renewed vision for my down moments.
I dedicate this day to You, Lord. Protect me from the pride that supposes I can make it on my own, and the vanity that presumes I can take care of my own needs. Help me to walk more closely with You in a way that enables others to see the wondrous work You can do in a life fully submitted to You."
Dr. Lloyd Ogilvie
Luke 6:38
Our family has been blessed beyond measure from the generosity, prayers, hospitality, and support of all our friends, family, and co-workers. Our blessings are truly "pressed down, shaken together" and "running over". We continue to receive wonderful home-cooked meals or restaurant gift cards, numerous cards of encouragement and prayers for our family, and financial blessings. Just going to work every day is uplifting as I continually have so many smiling co-workers with words of encouragement. Many people say they don't see how I am able to work. I always answer that I don't see how I would make it without working. Those 7 hours keep me grounded and occupied and offer many opportunities to give praise to the Lord for all of his many blessings.
"Every day I will bless You, and I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; and His greatness in unsearchable." Psalm 145:2-3
"Almighty God, You have promised, "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deut. 33:25). I praise You that You know what is ahead of me today and will provide me with exactly what I need each hour and in each circumstance. I relax in the knowledge that You neither will be surprised by what evolves, not incapable of sustaining me in any eventualities.
Thank You, in advance, for giving me the strength I'll need for this day. Therefore, I will resist the temptation to be anxious or worry over whether I will have what it takes. Instead, I will receive what You have offered: wisdom for my decisions, love for my relationships, hope for my discouraging experiences, replenishing energy for my tired times, and renewed vision for my down moments.
I dedicate this day to You, Lord. Protect me from the pride that supposes I can make it on my own, and the vanity that presumes I can take care of my own needs. Help me to walk more closely with You in a way that enables others to see the wondrous work You can do in a life fully submitted to You."
Dr. Lloyd Ogilvie
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Fall Friday Soccer and Saturday Pancakes
I made it through the first week back to school. Thanks for all the prayers! They were a necessity. Ending this week with a HPCS Soccer "redemption win" over Providence was sweet! As sweet as the pancakes I felt like making this morning.
The nausea for me is like Much-Afraid's guide, Suffering. It is always there. I try to drink and eat frequently to help. I was able to come home and rest in the afternoons, then get up to finish up the day here at home. I'm hoping that next week will hold better days as for as side effects. We are going to Niven's Apple Orchard on Thursday, so pray really hard that day!
My blood counts were expectantly low, but not too low. My potassium was low so I am now taking supplements twice daily. They will check my counts again on Sept. 27 and if they are back up, they will proceed with Chemo #2 at full strength on Thursday, Sept. 29.
Several of you have mentioned that you can't comment on my blog. It has been messed up for a long time, so if you want to message me through facebook, that would be encouraging.
Teresa Caldwell has set up a meal website link to help with meals during my chemotherapy treatments. The link is: http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=BFIE3138
Thanks for all of the prayers and support!
The nausea for me is like Much-Afraid's guide, Suffering. It is always there. I try to drink and eat frequently to help. I was able to come home and rest in the afternoons, then get up to finish up the day here at home. I'm hoping that next week will hold better days as for as side effects. We are going to Niven's Apple Orchard on Thursday, so pray really hard that day!
My blood counts were expectantly low, but not too low. My potassium was low so I am now taking supplements twice daily. They will check my counts again on Sept. 27 and if they are back up, they will proceed with Chemo #2 at full strength on Thursday, Sept. 29.
Several of you have mentioned that you can't comment on my blog. It has been messed up for a long time, so if you want to message me through facebook, that would be encouraging.
Teresa Caldwell has set up a meal website link to help with meals during my chemotherapy treatments. The link is: http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=BFIE3138
Thanks for all of the prayers and support!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
"For He will give His Angels Charge Over You"
September 11, 2011
"For He will give His angels charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone."
Psalm 91:11-12
"Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world." Taken from 40 Days with Jesus by Sarah Young
One chemo down and 5 to go. The side-effects so far are to be expected: nausea, joint pain, heartburn, metallic taste, etc. I did not have any reactions to the new chemo drugs, so that was a blessing. I will begin each time with premeds to help decrease the risk of a reaction (Benadryl, Aloxi, Zantac, Decadron, and Emend). That took about 1 and half hours. Then Herceptin for 90 minutes (that is the chemo I had for 17 treatments after my chemo in 2009). Pray for my heart function to stay up while I am on this drug. Then they ran the Taxol for 2 hours. It is similar to the Taxotere I had in 2009. Then finally the Carboplatin for about an hour. My port worked perfectly and should heal a little slower than normal because of the chemo. I went back for fluids on Saturday and will be returning to work tomorrow. It will be a long day with students I've only met once this year and Open House tomorrow night.
Thanks for all of your prayers and practical deeds for our family.
"For He will give His angels charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways. They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone."
Psalm 91:11-12
"Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world." Taken from 40 Days with Jesus by Sarah Young
One chemo down and 5 to go. The side-effects so far are to be expected: nausea, joint pain, heartburn, metallic taste, etc. I did not have any reactions to the new chemo drugs, so that was a blessing. I will begin each time with premeds to help decrease the risk of a reaction (Benadryl, Aloxi, Zantac, Decadron, and Emend). That took about 1 and half hours. Then Herceptin for 90 minutes (that is the chemo I had for 17 treatments after my chemo in 2009). Pray for my heart function to stay up while I am on this drug. Then they ran the Taxol for 2 hours. It is similar to the Taxotere I had in 2009. Then finally the Carboplatin for about an hour. My port worked perfectly and should heal a little slower than normal because of the chemo. I went back for fluids on Saturday and will be returning to work tomorrow. It will be a long day with students I've only met once this year and Open House tomorrow night.
Thanks for all of your prayers and practical deeds for our family.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Hinds' Feet on High Places
September 7, 2011
I have recently begun to reread "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. It is a wonderful allegory of God's Love for us as he leads us to the "High Places". Here is one excerpt that especially fit my circumstances this week"
"Shepherd", she said despairingly, "I can't understand this. The guides you sent me (Sorrow and Suffering) say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us Shepherd, as you promised."
He looked at her and answered very gently, "This is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."
"Oh, no," she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."
"No," said the Shepherd, 'it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible."
Much-Afraid felt as though he has stabbed her in the heart. "You mean," she said incredulously, "you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over to that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why" (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) "it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?"
He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed like an endless desert, the only path she could see led farther and farther away from the High Places, and it was all desert.
Then he answered very quietly, "Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert?"
She was still crouching at his feet, sobbing as if her heart would break, but now she looked up through her tears, caught his hand in hers, and said, trembling, "I do love you; you know that I love you. Oh, forgive me because I can't help my tears. I will go down with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it. Even if you cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."...
They reached the desert surprisingly quickly, because, although the path was very steep indeed, Much-Afraid was leaning on the Shepherd, and did not feel her weakness of all...
"Much-Afraid," he said, "all of my servants on their way to the High Places have had to make this detour through the desert. It is called "The furnace of Egypt, and an horror of great darkness" (Gen. 15:12.17) Here they have learned many things which otherwise they would have known nothing about...
"Fear not, Much-Afraid, to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation; I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again" (Gen. 46:3)...
The Shepherd said, "In Egypt, too, I fashion my fairest and finest vessels and bring forth instruments for my work, according as I see fit" (Jer. 18). Then he smiled and added, "Cannot I do with you, Much-Afraid, as this potter? Behold, as the clay is in the hand of the potter so are you in my hand" (Jer. 18:6)...
On the last morning she was walking...when in a lonely corner behind a wall she came upon a little golden-yellow flower, growing all alone...An old pipe was connected to a water tank. In the pipe was one tiny hole through which came an occasional drop of water. Where the drops fell one by one, there grew the little golden flower...She stopped over the lonely, lovely little golden face, lifted up so hopefully and so bravely to the feeble drip, and cried softly, "What is your name, little flower, for I never saw one like you before."
The tiny plant answered at once in a tone as golden as itself, "Behold me! My name is Acceptance-With-Joy."
Much-Afraid thought of the things which she had seen in the pyramid: the threshing-floor, and the whirring wheel and the fiery furnace. Somehow the answer of the little golden flower which grew all alone in the waste of the desert stole into her heart and echoed there faintly but sweetly, filling her with comfort. She said to herself, "He has brought me here when I did not want to come for his own purpose. I, too, will look up into his face and say, "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance with Joy."
I was able to go to church on Sunday. The message from Luke 8 was concerning faith: desperate, imperfect, and tried. Here is the link for the message: http://www.hamptonpark.org/blog/33-sunday-meetings/292-so-feeble-a-faith-so-great-a-savior
I began Tuesday with desperate faith. I fasted and waited to hear if the Lord would answer my prayer and allow my appointments to be changed so that I could get my port placed and begin my chemotherapy on Thursday as I had planned. After many phone calls, the end result was port placement on Thursday, chemo on Friday, and fluids on Saturday. I prayed that God would honor my desperate faith and on the surface, from a worldly standpoint, I felt He had not. I was little “Much-Afraid” seeing the desert before her and not understanding the postponing of a promise.
My faith needed to be tried. According to my limited understanding, I could see only one answer to that prayer: my answer. I had imperfect faith and God had to speak those same words to me as he did the bleeding woman, “Daughter, your faith has made you well.” Having my chemotherapy one or two days earlier is not what will heal me. It is my desperate, imperfect, and tried faith in a Sovereign God who never fails.
I have recently begun to reread "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. It is a wonderful allegory of God's Love for us as he leads us to the "High Places". Here is one excerpt that especially fit my circumstances this week"
"Shepherd", she said despairingly, "I can't understand this. The guides you sent me (Sorrow and Suffering) say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us Shepherd, as you promised."
He looked at her and answered very gently, "This is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."
"Oh, no," she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."
"No," said the Shepherd, 'it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible."
Much-Afraid felt as though he has stabbed her in the heart. "You mean," she said incredulously, "you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over to that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why" (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) "it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?"
He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed like an endless desert, the only path she could see led farther and farther away from the High Places, and it was all desert.
Then he answered very quietly, "Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert?"
She was still crouching at his feet, sobbing as if her heart would break, but now she looked up through her tears, caught his hand in hers, and said, trembling, "I do love you; you know that I love you. Oh, forgive me because I can't help my tears. I will go down with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it. Even if you cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."...
They reached the desert surprisingly quickly, because, although the path was very steep indeed, Much-Afraid was leaning on the Shepherd, and did not feel her weakness of all...
"Much-Afraid," he said, "all of my servants on their way to the High Places have had to make this detour through the desert. It is called "The furnace of Egypt, and an horror of great darkness" (Gen. 15:12.17) Here they have learned many things which otherwise they would have known nothing about...
"Fear not, Much-Afraid, to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation; I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again" (Gen. 46:3)...
The Shepherd said, "In Egypt, too, I fashion my fairest and finest vessels and bring forth instruments for my work, according as I see fit" (Jer. 18). Then he smiled and added, "Cannot I do with you, Much-Afraid, as this potter? Behold, as the clay is in the hand of the potter so are you in my hand" (Jer. 18:6)...
On the last morning she was walking...when in a lonely corner behind a wall she came upon a little golden-yellow flower, growing all alone...An old pipe was connected to a water tank. In the pipe was one tiny hole through which came an occasional drop of water. Where the drops fell one by one, there grew the little golden flower...She stopped over the lonely, lovely little golden face, lifted up so hopefully and so bravely to the feeble drip, and cried softly, "What is your name, little flower, for I never saw one like you before."
The tiny plant answered at once in a tone as golden as itself, "Behold me! My name is Acceptance-With-Joy."
Much-Afraid thought of the things which she had seen in the pyramid: the threshing-floor, and the whirring wheel and the fiery furnace. Somehow the answer of the little golden flower which grew all alone in the waste of the desert stole into her heart and echoed there faintly but sweetly, filling her with comfort. She said to herself, "He has brought me here when I did not want to come for his own purpose. I, too, will look up into his face and say, "Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance with Joy."
I was able to go to church on Sunday. The message from Luke 8 was concerning faith: desperate, imperfect, and tried. Here is the link for the message: http://www.hamptonpark.org/blog/33-sunday-meetings/292-so-feeble-a-faith-so-great-a-savior
I began Tuesday with desperate faith. I fasted and waited to hear if the Lord would answer my prayer and allow my appointments to be changed so that I could get my port placed and begin my chemotherapy on Thursday as I had planned. After many phone calls, the end result was port placement on Thursday, chemo on Friday, and fluids on Saturday. I prayed that God would honor my desperate faith and on the surface, from a worldly standpoint, I felt He had not. I was little “Much-Afraid” seeing the desert before her and not understanding the postponing of a promise.
My faith needed to be tried. According to my limited understanding, I could see only one answer to that prayer: my answer. I had imperfect faith and God had to speak those same words to me as he did the bleeding woman, “Daughter, your faith has made you well.” Having my chemotherapy one or two days earlier is not what will heal me. It is my desperate, imperfect, and tried faith in a Sovereign God who never fails.
Friday, September 2, 2011
"This Present Darkness"
September 3, 2011 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm...In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one, and take up the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel...that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak."
Ephesians 6:10-13, 16-20
How true are these words in all of our lives? There are spiritual forces of evil at work in heavenly places, trying their best to thwart God's purposes in "this present darkness". But this passage reminds me to be strong in the power of His might, take up His shield of faith against these flaming darts, use the Sword of His word as a weapon, to persevere, to pray continually not only for myself but for all the saints, and to declare boldly the gospel of Christ as I ought to speak. There is another aspect for us as you pray for me and I pray for y0u..."that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel."As we entered the Cancer Center yesterday, we could immediately tell it was no normal day. It was Crazy Hat Day for the staff, one of their many efforts to bring humor into what could be a dismal environment. Somehow it made discussing chemotherapy a little easier when your doctor is wearing a multi-colored beanie with a propeller on top (Dr. Go loves airplanes and secretly desires to be a pilot)! Last week, the nurses were singing the theme from the Brady Bunch in the waiting area when we arrived. It truly is a special place there and I enjoy the mental and spiritual encouragement I receive from all who work there.
It was apparent by the end of the day that we were battling some "flaming darts" in the form of inadequacies within the medical staff at one office. Last week Joe and I sat in Dr. Go's office discussing ports. I already had an appointment with another surgeon but specifically asked for Dr. Young, who is a Christian and has prayed with me as he put in and removed my other port. Dr. Go's nurse called him immediately and set up an appointment to have the port installed yesterday at 3:20 in his office. I even called their office 2 times this week to verify that it would be office surgery-not outpatient. I thought this a little odd, since before they did it as out-patient, but she assured me I was scheduled. I even called someone from the Cancer Center to check on pre-authorization from my insurance company. So we waited 2 hours in Dr. Young's office after we finished at the Cancer Center, only to be told that Dr. Young only puts ports in during out-patient surgery. The only way you could explain such gross breakdown of communication is "spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places." I chose to have a Christian surgeon and there was a battle that followed. They felt horribly that the miscommunication had occurred and I proceeded with the necessary office visit to get ready for outpatient surgery next week. Dr. Young prayed with me using these very verses and prayed "in Jesus' Name" that the devil would be bound up and these cancer treatments would completely heal me. Due to the Labor Day holiday, he is slammed full Tuesday and Wednesday. My first chemotherapy is scheduled for Thursday. He told me he could put the port in on Thursday morning and I could be at the Cancer Center for chemo in the afternoon. If this is the Lord's will, He will give me strength and grace to do these in the same day. But I am asking all to pray that as I call Dr. Go's office at 8:00 on Tuesday; they will be able to convince Dr. Young to squeeze me into his Tuesday or Wednesday schedule. "We have not, because we ask not." Join our family as we ask the Lord for this to be worked out according to His will.I will begin my chemotherapy next Thursday, September 8. I will go back the next day for fluids to prevent dehydration and nausea. I will be using 2 new drugs, similar to the ones I've previously had, but a little different in case the cancer has built up immunity to them. And I will have Herceptin, which I have had 17 treatments of before, but never simultaneously with other chemo drugs. As always, there are risks of heart problems, lower blood counts, and other reactions, so I will appreciate your intense prayers for us all as I begin this journey and return to work on Monday, September 12. I will have chemo every 3 weeks for 6 rounds. Side effects should be fairly similar to before. I'll probably lose my hair around 2 or 3 weeks from next Thursday. Last time it was exactly 2 weeks to the day from my first treatment. I still have my "perfect hair day" "cranial prosthesis" (or in laymen's terms-my wig!) It is ready to go!
I praise the Lord for his providential work in circumstances surrounding my medical leave this week. I've recently been reading the Old Testament stories of Esther, Daniel, Nehemiah and others. In every story the Lord used His power and Spirit to influence the decisions of people in authority who in most cases did not even know or recognize Him as the One True God. I claimed this promise in my dealings with these trying situations this week and He marvelously answered my prayer. My paperwork has been approved to this point and I trust any issues that may arise from this point on will also be resolved. Thanks so much for all of the meals, gift cards, cards, and mostly, your prayers! We are truly blessed!
Ephesians 6:10-13, 16-20
How true are these words in all of our lives? There are spiritual forces of evil at work in heavenly places, trying their best to thwart God's purposes in "this present darkness". But this passage reminds me to be strong in the power of His might, take up His shield of faith against these flaming darts, use the Sword of His word as a weapon, to persevere, to pray continually not only for myself but for all the saints, and to declare boldly the gospel of Christ as I ought to speak. There is another aspect for us as you pray for me and I pray for y0u..."that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel."As we entered the Cancer Center yesterday, we could immediately tell it was no normal day. It was Crazy Hat Day for the staff, one of their many efforts to bring humor into what could be a dismal environment. Somehow it made discussing chemotherapy a little easier when your doctor is wearing a multi-colored beanie with a propeller on top (Dr. Go loves airplanes and secretly desires to be a pilot)! Last week, the nurses were singing the theme from the Brady Bunch in the waiting area when we arrived. It truly is a special place there and I enjoy the mental and spiritual encouragement I receive from all who work there.
It was apparent by the end of the day that we were battling some "flaming darts" in the form of inadequacies within the medical staff at one office. Last week Joe and I sat in Dr. Go's office discussing ports. I already had an appointment with another surgeon but specifically asked for Dr. Young, who is a Christian and has prayed with me as he put in and removed my other port. Dr. Go's nurse called him immediately and set up an appointment to have the port installed yesterday at 3:20 in his office. I even called their office 2 times this week to verify that it would be office surgery-not outpatient. I thought this a little odd, since before they did it as out-patient, but she assured me I was scheduled. I even called someone from the Cancer Center to check on pre-authorization from my insurance company. So we waited 2 hours in Dr. Young's office after we finished at the Cancer Center, only to be told that Dr. Young only puts ports in during out-patient surgery. The only way you could explain such gross breakdown of communication is "spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places." I chose to have a Christian surgeon and there was a battle that followed. They felt horribly that the miscommunication had occurred and I proceeded with the necessary office visit to get ready for outpatient surgery next week. Dr. Young prayed with me using these very verses and prayed "in Jesus' Name" that the devil would be bound up and these cancer treatments would completely heal me. Due to the Labor Day holiday, he is slammed full Tuesday and Wednesday. My first chemotherapy is scheduled for Thursday. He told me he could put the port in on Thursday morning and I could be at the Cancer Center for chemo in the afternoon. If this is the Lord's will, He will give me strength and grace to do these in the same day. But I am asking all to pray that as I call Dr. Go's office at 8:00 on Tuesday; they will be able to convince Dr. Young to squeeze me into his Tuesday or Wednesday schedule. "We have not, because we ask not." Join our family as we ask the Lord for this to be worked out according to His will.I will begin my chemotherapy next Thursday, September 8. I will go back the next day for fluids to prevent dehydration and nausea. I will be using 2 new drugs, similar to the ones I've previously had, but a little different in case the cancer has built up immunity to them. And I will have Herceptin, which I have had 17 treatments of before, but never simultaneously with other chemo drugs. As always, there are risks of heart problems, lower blood counts, and other reactions, so I will appreciate your intense prayers for us all as I begin this journey and return to work on Monday, September 12. I will have chemo every 3 weeks for 6 rounds. Side effects should be fairly similar to before. I'll probably lose my hair around 2 or 3 weeks from next Thursday. Last time it was exactly 2 weeks to the day from my first treatment. I still have my "perfect hair day" "cranial prosthesis" (or in laymen's terms-my wig!) It is ready to go!
I praise the Lord for his providential work in circumstances surrounding my medical leave this week. I've recently been reading the Old Testament stories of Esther, Daniel, Nehemiah and others. In every story the Lord used His power and Spirit to influence the decisions of people in authority who in most cases did not even know or recognize Him as the One True God. I claimed this promise in my dealings with these trying situations this week and He marvelously answered my prayer. My paperwork has been approved to this point and I trust any issues that may arise from this point on will also be resolved. Thanks so much for all of the meals, gift cards, cards, and mostly, your prayers! We are truly blessed!
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